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1. Avoid structure.

Why stifle your creativity by forcing your ideas into a meaningful framework? Anyone who has spent time with a six-year-old knows that the very best stories use the "And then, and then, and then" format. Just let your story flow from the pen. It's all about the visceral experience. The audience will go along for the ride, because the visuals and dialogue are so strong. Besides, 3-Act Structure is so passe. You want to do something new, something unique, something that's never been done before. You want to make movies like Pulp Fiction, Memento, 21 Grams. Those movies followed their own voice. Anybody can see that they didn't follow arbitrary rules about structure. Obviously, they did it their own way, without structure, and so can you.

2. Ignore outside input.

The best artist work in isolation. If you let other people into your process, it's going to be irrevocably tainted. Besides, it's so frustrating when you show someone your work and they get all nitpicky about it. They say things like, "It doesn't make sense when..." and "I didn't connect with the main character" and "What exactly happened at the end?" If they were really reading it the way it was supposed to be read, they would get it. Maybe if you sit down with them and explain all the ways that they misunderstood your script they will see how right you are. It'll be good practice for the director Q&As you won't be doing at Sundance.

3. Imitate your betters.

Take a movie that's done really well. Identify its structure, key characters, and major plot elements. Change the setting and character names, and at one point, have one of the characters say, "I feel like I'm in a movie." Then have the other character respond, "Oh yeah? Well hang on to your broomstick, Hermione, because we're going to save Harry!" Put "wryly" or "dryly" or "in best Ron Weasley-esque English accent" in the parentheticals so the audience knows you're being postmodern.

4. Give in to your most cynical tendencies instead of writing from the heart.

There is so much crap out there, so clearly the people who make movies have no taste. For that reason, appeal to the crassest commercial instincts you can conceive of, even though the resulting script is for a movie that you would never, ever go see, not in a million trillion years, because you have much better taste than the people who make movies. In fact, when "they" read your script, they're going to realize how hollow their hearts are and give you their job, because you obviously know way better than they do. There is nothing like taking a condescending attitude to the craft of screenwriting and to the industry itself to turn you into a success overnight.

5. Cultivate illiteracy.

Who needs novels when you've got TiVo? It's a dead format. There's nothing new to be learned from reading books. Besides, reading takes too long. Dickens didn't know anything about plotting (particularly as it applies to the serial drama), Austen didn't know anything about stakes, the Brontes didn't know anything about atmosphere, Tolkien didn't know anything about world-building, and Twain didn't know anything about dialogue.

6. Adapt a book that you don't have the rights to.

This is for experts only. Do this only if you have at least five unsold screenplays and want to ratchet up your disappointment a notch with a lawsuit. You can get the same results by writing a sequel to a movie, especially in a very successful franchise like the X-Men.

7. Write your script in a font other than Courier.

One of the best kept secrets for keeping your screenplay unsold is to annoy the person reading it by writing in Times New Roman or some other cool font, particularly if you're submitting to a festival. It is amazing how much that one choice says about you; mainly, that you don't care about industry standards. The reader then expects that the rest of your script will be equally sloppy, and will be looking for reasons to pass.

8. Stay home.

Since personal relationships are the best way to sell a screenplay, if you want to avoid selling your screenplay, avoid any opportunity you can to network. You should also refuse any requests to help friends with their movies, because you never know where someone will end up - that starving artist might end up running development somewhere, and actually be in a position to buy your script.

9. Sprinkle your dialogue liberally with pop culture references.

It worked in 1996 - why shouldn't it work today?

10. Believe that success happens overnight.

Well, the thing is it does - but getting in the right place can take years. So avoid doing the hard work of writing, rewriting, reading, learning, networking, and persevering, and you are guaranteed never to sell a screenplay.

This post is part of ProBlogger's How-To writing How To Make a Family Documentary
How To Make a Short Film for Tropfest (or any other short film fest)