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I've been supplementing my income by working at a glossy weekly tabloid which shall remain nameless. It's great and I love it. Seriously. But it's hard to ward off the "what has the world come to" thoughts when you're smack in the middle of celebrity journalism. It's hard not to become Joel McHale of The Soup, who so wonderfully ridicules the state of television but is more aware than anyone that it's what pays his bills. That's why he cries on camera every now and again. Anyway, in honor of Audrina Patridge, Karina Smirnoff, and all the other random celebrities providing fodder for water-cooler chats and media-obsessed bloggers (who, me?), here's an offering to the celebrity gods in the form of a delightful little mix. 1. "Are You Talking About Me?" - Touch and Go A little bongo, some muted trumpet, and the resounding refrain, "Are you talking about me, babe?" Who said that mid-'90s jazz fusion had no relevance in today's musical landscape? Pshaw. 2. "Tabloid Queen" - Richie and the Rocketdogs The hottest folk-rock ensemble in Missoula, Montana do their best Traveling Wilburys impression as they ponder their girls' addictions to supermarket tabloids, asking why they spend their time "looking for answers" on their mesmerizing, glossy pages? Listen, even chicks from Missoula need a little glitz and glamour once in a while. Leave 'em be! 3. "Celebrity Sanctum" - Dogs Die In Hot Cars This song is a little dated because it mentions Lucy Liu and Catherine Zeta-Jones. And everybody knows that those two are so over. (I feel compelled to mention how much I love a band name that does double-duty as a helpful PSA.) 4. "Enamorado de Britney Spears" - Martin Estoy enamorada de Martin. 5. "Paparazzi Lightning" - Ghostland Observatory This song somehow captures the frenetic energy and general annoyance created by a gaggle of photogs waiting for Jennifer Aniston to finish her lunch. It also kind of sounds like Justin Timberlake's vocal in "D*ck in a Box." For fun and proof, check out this video of paparazzi waiting for a celebrity to come out of the Ivy in LA. 6. "Gossip Folks" - Missy Elliott Go, Miss Missy! I'll never forget your episode of Cribs back when the millennium was new, the one where you revealed your poolside Grecian statues and said, "They don't have no arms, so they can't even pull they skirts up!" 7. "Olsen Twins Pornography" - In Arcadia Anthemic indie power rock, like if the Foo Fighters were obsessed with Ashley Olsen. The might be, knowing that crazy-ass Dave Grohl. 8. "...und George Clooney Spielt Dann Dich" - Gallmucke Thanks to Babelfish, in English the title means "...and George Clooney plays then you." What's he talking about? I'm picturing an intimate game of Parcheesi or Connect Four. 9. "Dear Lindsay Lohan" - Bunkum Bros. Let me just apologize up front. These guys write tasteless "comedy" songs and have a web series entitled "Cock Puppets." Episode Three is called "Dear Lindsay Lohan," in which the, ahem, cock puppets are reading Life & Style and singing love letters to Lindz and Paris. This is kind of NSFW but only for language. The cock puppets are fully-clothed. Unlike Lindz and Paris back in the day. 10. "Celebrity Skin" - Hole Remember how this song and record kicked ass and remember Courtney crowd-surfed in a tiara and remember when Frances Bean Cobain was a little baby? Well now she's nearly 16 and intern-ing at Rolling Stone. I found out about that on some snarky blog. Bonus Tracks "Unwritten" - Natasha Bedingfield Thanks Natasha, thanks MTV, thanks Teen Vogue, thanks to whomever is partially responsible for the cultural juggernaut that is The Hills. "Tabloid Junkie" - Michael Jackson Have you seen the new pics of MJ in a wheelchair? He's not sick, it's just a publicity stunt. Oh, Jacko, the original modern-day tabloid fodder. Enjoy the mix! Enjoy the tabloids. They are the only thing keeping my spirits up in this nightmarish economy. And no post about celebrity gossip would be complete without a shout-out to the bitchiest, funniest skank on the internet, Michael K of Dlisted (site partially NSFW). MK, you are my hero. My gayer-than-a-pink-poodle-eating-a-bowl-of-ambrosia hero.